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Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

-Robert Frost
How is it that stupid, horrible people still roam the earth, and yet, one of the most brilliant, beautiful, kind, unselfish, giving and amazing human beings I have ever had the good fortune to share time with is gone?

I'd trade my life for his in a second if I could. (The world would be a better place if I could make that magic happen.) I guess the best I can do is just try to be like him as much as I can. I see I'm failing at that already. He hated talking about sickness, dying, or anything negative.

He was my friend for twelve years and my lover for a few short months, but those words can't even begin to describe what he meant to me. He was more than either of those things. He was the purest, most beautiful soul I will ever know and he will leave a hole in my life that will never be filled. (That's the thing about grief and loss. You never really "get over it". You just learn to live with it.)

No more funny greeting cards, no more flowers, no more email messages, no more texts, no more IM, no more IRC, no more pictures, no more beautiful blue eyes. Just ashes and memories and the bitter taste of my own regrets for every thing I didn't say or do that I should have.

I want to gather everything that he ever sent me, every note, every email, every scribbled on piece of paper, every picture, every scrap and crawl in a hole and never come out.

Someday, I'll look back on the very brief time that we had together and that he had on this earth and just be glad that I was able to know him and be close to him. Someday, I will be glad to have loved and lost, rather than not loved at all. Someday I will just be able to treasure the fond memories and know that he loved me.

But today, I'm just angry. Angry at him that he pushed me away in the last year of his life. Angry that he hid from me how sick he was and lied to me how much time he had left. Angry that he wouldn't let me come see him because he didn't want me to see him like that (as if I cared). Angry that in the last week I knew he was dying and there was nothing I could do about it. Angry at myself that I let him push me away, that I didn't just ignore his protests and get on a plane anyway, that I didn't find some way to be able to touch him again and say goodbye.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

-W.H. Auden
There's nothing about this video I don't like. I loved The Muppets (it was everything I hoped it would be and more). And Jim Parsons was just brilliant casting in the movie, it was awesome to see him pop up. Congrats to Bret Mckenzie (one half of the Flight of the Conchords) for his Oscar win.

It's kind of funny that The Muppets was the first thing I really saw Jason Segel in. Now that I've watched 7 seasons of HIMYM I kind of want to go back and see The Muppets again (for the third time, LOL).

Leonard Cohen, "Anyhow"

I know it really is a pity
The way you treat me now
I know you can’t forgive me
But forgive me anyhow
The ending got so ugly
I even heard you say
You never ever loved me
But could you love me anyway

I dreamed about you baby
You were wearing half your dress
I know you have to hate me
But could you hate me less?
I used up all my chances
And you’ll never take me back
But there ain’t no harm in asking
Could you cut me one more slack?

I’m naked and I’m filthy
And there’s sweat upon my brow
And both of us are guilty
Have mercy on me baby
After all I did confess
Even though you have to hate me
Could you hate me less?

It’s a shame and it’s a pity
I know you can’t forgive me
The ending got so ugly
You never ever loved me
Dreamed about you baby
I know you have to hate me
I’m naked and I’m filthy
And both of us are guilty
Have mercy on me baby
Wow, for once I'm glad for the in-depth journaling I did a few years ago, because it always helps to go back and read it whenever I'm feeling sentimental for that time. It's a great anti-nostalgia antidote.

I am so glad I am where I am today, that I am who I am today, that I am not who I was then.

Bless medication. Bless getting older and wiser and more stable.

I found a quote there too, from the actress Lynne Whitfield that I saw give a speech, who said, "I'm the best me I've ever been."

Amen to that. And here's to getting better every year.

I should start journaling more often again though, if only privately, so I have this same kind of record for my future and can see where I've been. It really helps you realize where you are.
She's been on my mind lately so much, and I don't know why. Popping up in my dreams. I hate those dreams. Dreams where we're together again. Dreams where the past is forgotten and she's forgiven me. Why does my subconscious want to devil me like that? Because I know she never would.

I saw her picture on the wall of a friend's house recently and it just killed me. I don't look at pictures of exes very often. It's just pointless and painful.

I don't know how to feel about it. I don't know how to handle it. I've tried to push it away for years because I know there's nothing I can do. I can't change the past. I can only let go.

And I really thought I had. I was fine. It's been almost three years now. I've gone over it in my head so many times over the last three years and I always run the same gamut of mixed, confused, jumbled emotions. Regret. Anger. Frustration. Sorrow. Betrayal. Guilt. And worst of all, love.

Yes, I still love her. I can't help it.

The same stupid, useless questions. Why did it have to happen this way. How I could have done things differently. Why can't she forgive me if she forgave him. I know why. I know damn well why. She didn't want me anymore before that anyway.

There is nothing I can do. My emotions are useless. My regret is useless.

I try to take comfort in the fact I still have my memories of her. Watching her sing. That day at the spa with her. How her hair smelled, the way she felt in my arms, how beautiful she was.

I was fine and I guess I'll be fine again someday soon. This too shall pass.

Sometimes I'm scared to ever fall in love again, because the truth is, I never stop loving them. Some people can just shut their emotions off like a light. Not me.

I don't know how many more times I can go through this, how many more voices in my head or lost faces in my dreams I can deal with.

Writer's Block: Beep, Bop, Boop

In the early Eighties we had a TI-99 home computer that was both a video game console (it took cartridges) and a basic home computer (it literally ran BASIC). My brother and I had learned some BASIC in school that we could run on it - mostly just 20 GOTO 10 which was always good for a laugh when you're a kid. It had various cartridge video games. The only one I remember was Munch Man, a PacMan ripoff. My mom and brother and I still talk about it. It had a white background instead of a black one, and you made a chain instead of eating dots. Maybe it was a cheesy ripoff but we loved it.

After that we had an Atari (my favorite was Defender and Phoenix) and Nintendo 8-bit, of course - Mario and Duck Hunt!

The first video games I ever played were probably arcade machines though. PacMan, DigDug, Centipede. I still love to play the retro machines whenever we can find them.

I may have played Pong on a cousin's or friend's machine at some point, I don't know. I can't really remember for sure which was the first (that was too long ago!) I do remember the first *computer* I ever used, which would have been an Apple II in grade school. Then it was Commodore 64s and PETs in junior high. When I first started college in 90 we were still using DOS and didn't get Windows till the next year. (It was so slow to load that I swore I could watch my hair and nails grow faster.) The first time I used a mouse was on the Amiga in computer art class. I remember I hated it! And the first time I was on the internet was on a Tandy 286 from Radio Shack in 1992. I think it was either Delphi or Prodigy - it belonged to my roommate.

Yup, I'm certifiably old! ;)
This is my mom's best friend's cat, Google, who likes to impersonate a snake. He's amazingly long, skinny and elegant looking - like a cat from an Egyptian sculpture. He is in the running for Tucson's Pet Idol. Please vote for him. :) Today and tomorrow are the last days you can vote.

Here's Google rolling over on command!

This is a little late but it's been bugging me for a few days, after watching Glee the other night. It's great to see it again, I've missed it... but darnit, "Fat Bottomed Girls" is not an offensive song! I mean, I guess offense is in the eye of the beholder, but to me it's always been a paean to us hot chubby chicks, and what is wrong with that? What is to be offended with? The use of the word "fat"? If you don't like that word then you aren't embracing who you are, in which case you have bigger problems than just that song. I mean, it would be different if it was not sung positively, if it was meant in a derogatory way (a la Weird Al's "Fat", which still makes me cringe) but in Queen's case they mean fat as a desirable thing, so what's the problem?

I'm thinking maybe someone on the show suggested that song, and someone else said that it might be offensive, so they decided to cover their asses by having a character say it was offensive.

I would absolutely melt if a guy sung that to me. I love that song. We do make the rockin' world go round! :D

mmm fresh spam

Okay, Nigerian princes are one thing, but pretending to be an American in Iraq to run the 419 scheme? Wow.

Part of me is going "wow, you're a pretty clever fraudster and have a serious set of cojones" and the other part of me is like "not cool man, not cool." Using a conflict where people have lost their lives and misplaced American patriotism? I'm a left-wing bleeding heart liberal, but that even turns my pinko commie stomach a little.

I guess it's no different than the dudes that pretend to be God-fearing to earn people's trust.

TL;DR: Humans suck.




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June 2016
After all...it's only a diary. Everyone knows diaries are just... full of crap.
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